Lady Francisca of Emeron (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mostlyvacant) wrote2014-06-25 11:10 pm
mostlyvacant) wrote2014-06-25 11:10 pm
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Glenn's here now, and Canti's safe with him.
...
I am such a horrible person, diary. I am. Do you know what my first thought was when they said that Megam doesn't exist anymore? "Good!" Whose first thought is 'good' when so many lives have been cut short?! I don't care how strong my voices are, they shouldn't ... they shouldn't rule me like that. So that Messenger died. Millions of other died with him and that's just so ... it's just so terrifying! And terrible!
Canti was right about me. What I've done ...
All I wanted was an anchor, diary! I swear! I just needed someone, anyone to say "no, Friska, you're being an idiot, you can't go to Lucre!" And ... and I was already here for Canti! She's the only reason I'm here, and she's too innocent to be part of this at all! I knew she could never betray me.
I didn't mean to ruin everything, diary, I swear I didn't. It's been so hard since Father died. He was so much better at this than I am, and I could talk to him. I could talk about compulsions, and how he learned to deal with them.
I'm so sorry that Megam is gone, and I'm so sorry that I can barely talk to Canti anymore, and I'm so sorry that even though my voices tell me to go to Rhia I can't because it just hurts too much to do anything now, and I can't tell Ayden because I just can't I can't take how he'd look at me if he knew or if the worst was possible because he could kill me so easily, and my birthday and my wedding anniversary are so close oh why did they have to be the same day and why are the so close, and ...
I hurt so much, diary.
Glenn's here now, and Canti's safe with him.
...
I am such a horrible person, diary. I am. Do you know what my first thought was when they said that Megam doesn't exist anymore? "Good!" Whose first thought is 'good' when so many lives have been cut short?! I don't care how strong my voices are, they shouldn't ... they shouldn't rule me like that. So that Messenger died. Millions of other died with him and that's just so ... it's just so terrifying! And terrible!
Canti was right about me. What I've done ...
All I wanted was an anchor, diary! I swear! I just needed someone, anyone to say "no, Friska, you're being an idiot, you can't go to Lucre!" And ... and I was already here for Canti! She's the only reason I'm here, and she's too innocent to be part of this at all! I knew she could never betray me.
I didn't mean to ruin everything, diary, I swear I didn't. It's been so hard since Father died. He was so much better at this than I am, and I could talk to him. I could talk about compulsions, and how he learned to deal with them.
I'm so sorry that Megam is gone, and I'm so sorry that I can barely talk to Canti anymore, and I'm so sorry that even though my voices tell me to go to Rhia I can't because it just hurts too much to do anything now, and I can't tell Ayden because I just can't I can't take how he'd look at me if he knew or if the worst was possible because he could kill me so easily, and my birthday and my wedding anniversary are so close oh why did they have to be the same day and why are the so close, and ...
I hurt so much, diary.